Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Reasons why I can't stand "Remission" by Straight Line Stitch

by Wayne Graham



1. It takes the band 1 minute and 25 seconds (of a 4 minute 30 second song) to get to some actual vocals. This would be okay, if it weren't for the fact that this 1:25 is spent with the band just playing 1/8 notes over and over, likely for the purpose of building some kind of mood, which it doesn't achieve. All this padding really does it give all the band members time to preen and pose, which leads me to the fact that....

2.....this has got to be one of the phoniest bands I've ever laid eyes on. Take a look at these chodes.....they reek of a bunch of people who were playing Bloc Party/Bravery rock, and then they saw that metal was back on the rise, and decided to grow their hair out and learn how to do windmills. Such a huge effort is made in this video to let you SEE just how "metal" Straight Line Stitch is, which is fine, were it not for the fact that....

3.....this song is AWFUL. It's just dreck. It starts with the previously discussed 1:25 worth of glorified instrument tuning/warm-ups, then launches into the most tired-ass metalcore cliches you've ever heard. Wow! Listen to that pretty girl scream! Except it's not a very interesting scream. It's the same one you've heard for years, out of the mouths of both males and females. And the riffs, such as they are, are completely unispired. So, then we get to the chorus, and surprise surprise....here come the....

4......clean vocals. Groan. Really? This shitty band tortures us with every play in the book, and the hook comes around, and instead of giving us a twist, like making the screams more menacing or powerful, we fall back on clean vocals. And, frankly, they're not very good, either. This woman has a very wispy, nasally nosevoice. So, she can't scream, she can't deliver any heat with the clean vox. Fine. But do they have to do the classic "scream the verse, sing the chorus" thing that everyone had done for the past decade? Can't you just sing? Or just scream? Hell, why can't you find a better, more original way of mixing the two vocal styles? I'll tell you why..it's because this band knows that this is all they've got, and I can see it in their beady little eyes. They set their fancy home-studio equipment random music generator mode to "Hot Topic" and the machine shat this out, and all the band had to do was take a week to learn how to mug to it. Speaking of mugging.....

6.....their drummer is unsightly to behold. I realize it's hard to find drummers, and that every band has to have their signature Ugmo, but this guy has got to go. First of all, Tubby, STOP LOOKING RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA! Even the vocalist doesn't do it THAT much! Plus, not that SLS isn't fooling anyone with their tough metal act, but this guy specifically looks like the classic dude who's only in the band because he owns the van that they so sorely needed to cart their gear to whatever frat parties they played at before Headbanger's Ball started shoving this crap video down my throat. Which reminds me....

7. .....Headbanger's Ball won't play ISIS videos, but they have no problem playing videos by bands who wear ISIS t-shirts as some sort of desperate cry for credibility? Laaaame.

3 comments:

Myche said...

So once you are really sure about how you feel about this song, please report back...

Mark said...

At least Jada Pinkett got some good pedigreed musicians behind her and tried to be tough.

This is horrifying. It's like how all the black shows back in the 70's and 80's were all produced by Saul Turteltaub and Bud Weinstein and such. The great american dollar at work.

Plus my first problem with them is that their name is based on a sewing/dressmakers Term. Not everything would make a good metal band name, Straight Line Stitch.

QM said...

That was fun to read. Made me laugh at parts. But atleast they're better than In This Moment.
And every band that has a black chick lead singer unfortunately like the guy below me is going to compare them to god awful Wicked Wisdom which was parody metal as I like to say. Atleast she isn't going the route she could go which is r&b, etc. I've seen worse bands but I agree the clean vocals did nothing for me. Especialy when she has a terrible singing voice. Maybe if it was Tarja.
But their other video 'Black Veil' is slightly better than this one.